Love and Marriage

Ken's Thoughts on Love and Marriage

It's dangerous to over analyze emotions, particularly complex emotions, like love. But, as a scientist, I need to understand and have a logical foundation for everything, including love. The following is my personal, highly biased, unsubstantiated analysis of how to increase the likelihood of a successful marriage.

The Chemistry of Love

At the biological level, we are basically smart mammals. As such, much of what we consider love is an advanced version of primitive emotions.

Some experts call this "mammalian love" and divide it into three stages: lust, attraction, and attachment.

"Lust" is the passion to mate. In its primitive form, its sole purpose is to get the female pregnant. It exists in very primitive animals, like fish and spiders. Humans add tenderness and imagery to the equation but lust is still a rather primitive sex drive. Lust rewards our bodies with a rich cocktail of chemicals, including testosterone and estrogen. One expression that sums up male and female lust is, "A woman wants one man to fulfill her every need; a man wants every woman to fulfill his one need." Lust doesn't last very long (days to months). The classic result of a marriage based on lust is the Hollywood marriage that is over almost before it starts.

"Attraction" is the romantic desire for a specific individual. In its primitive form, its purpose is the keep the male around long enough for the female to give birth and nourish the offspring. It exists in almost all birds and mammals. Its chemicals are pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. In humans, it's the source of most poetry and music. An expression that characterizes attraction is "Love is blind". We don't see the other's faults. Attraction can last from one to three years. The classic result of a marriage based on attraction is the "seven year itch".

"Attachment" is pair bonding based on long-term commitments. Its primitive purpose is to keep the couple together long enough to raise the child to adulthood. It exists in mammals with a long childhood, such as apes and monkeys. Its chemicals are oxytocin and vasopressin. A phrase that sums up attachment is "Happily Ever After". We see all of the other's faults and love them anyway. Attraction doesn't happen immediately but it can last a lifetime. The classic result of a successful marriage based on attachment is "'till death do us part". The classic result of a failed marriage based on attachment is "staying together for the children".

The Statistics of Marriage

An oft-quoted figure is that half of all first marriages end in divorce. Some statistics go on to claim that two-thirds of second marriages and three-quarters of third marriages end in divorce.

Children of divorce have a higher risk of divorce when they marry, and an even higher risk if the person they marry comes from a divorced home.

These are scary statistics for young couples, particularly if their parents are divorced. That's probably why so many couples now decide to cohabitate before (or instead of) getting married. However, research indicates that people who live together prior to getting married are more likely to have marriages that end in divorce. In fact, a recent study on cohabitation concluded that after five to seven years, only 21 percent of unmarried couples were still living together.

There are two problems with statistics like these. One is that they don't say anything about a particular marriage only "on average". The other is that they don't say "why".

The fact that the odds of divorce increase for 2nd and 3rd marriages "probably" implies that some people, due to their "nature or nurture" are predisposed to be more likely to get divorced. But, how would you know?

Why doesn't living together increase your odds of getting and staying married? It might be that the people who decide to live together before getting married are more nervous about marriage and hence less able to commit. Or, it might be that it looks easier to move in together than it is to get married. Some people blame "sliding" into marriage. That is, it becomes easier to get married that it is to split up, which is a poor foundation for marriage. The statistics don't tell us.

Serial vs. Multiple Loves

The more I learn about it, the more I'm discovering that divorcees are very different from widows.

On dates and in email conversations, a widow and I sometimes talk about our late spouses. She is likely to mention my late wife by name. She refers to her late husband by name. I've talked to widows about the funerals and the visits to the cemetery. These are very real events in our lives. Our thoughts, our lives, our past are integrally connected to our late spouses. It's something very deep that we have in common.

On dates and in email conversations with divorcees, they hate to talk about their ex-husbands. (Or, they talk about them constantly while expressing lots of hate.) They rarely mention the name of their ex. That part of their lives is now filled with anger and pain. They don't want to discuss it.

Of course, I'm generalizing now; but it seems to me that widows are still in love with their late husbands and always will be. I certainly will always love my late wife. For a widow to fall in love again, she needs to become comfortable with having an additional love. Just as a mother can love two children at the same time, a widow learns to love another man without giving up her love for her late husband. I call that "multiple loves".

On the other hand, divorcees have fallen out of love. They are no longer in love with their ex-husband when they fall in love with another man. I call that "serial loves".

To me, it seems that multiple loves and serial loves are very different.

Track Records

There is a huge advantage to hindsight. I'll wager that with hindsight many divorced individuals could say, "If only I had known …, I never would have gotten married."

None of us has the advantage of hindsight when deciding whether or not to get married. But, the past is often a good predictor of the future. For a widower, like me, looking for a second marriage, we have the advantage of learning about their first marriage.

If she has been divorced twice before, she is a questionable candidate for a life-long mate. The odds are against her having a very successful third marriage.

If she reached my age without ever being married, it seems very unlikely to me that she feels a need for attachment. Either she can't commit or there's something else holding her back from marriage. It's possible although unlikely that she's really been waiting her whole life for me.

If her first marriage ended in divorce within the first five years that, to me, indicates that she probably never developed "attachment". That would make me concerned that she wouldn't develop "attachment" to me, which would put me back to being single all over again in a few years, with the added pain of suffering through a divorce.

If her first marriage ended when her husband died, there's an indication that she might have experienced attachment. But, it's not a guarantee, you can't know if they were constantly on the verge of divorce.

If you're young and don't have the advantage of marital history, the next best thing is her parent's marital history. If they had a terrible divorce, it's likely that she doesn't have a strong role model to follow.

Conclusion

What makes a marriage last is attachment.

In the future, it might be possible to actually determine if you feel attachment. Research using fMRI scans indicates that "attachment manifests itself as increased activity in the right ventral tegmental area and dorsal caudate body" of the brain (whatever that means). So, it's possible that we'll be able to know "Is it really love?" by putting ourselves in an MRI scanner. But, for now, that's just not an option.

There are lots of ways to meet potential mates, with Internet dating being one of the most visible means. It's easy to add too many restrictions on your search. For example, every one of the dating sites lets you specify hair or eye color. But, it's impossible to restrict your search to someone with whom you might form mutual attachment.

Therein lies the catch. The one aspect of love this is the most important (attachment) is also the one aspect that's hardest to determine.

Of course, this is all speculation based on logic. As we know, love isn't based on logic.

So, bottom line: Ya gotta kiss a lota frogs!

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